This is a post I have wanted to write for awhile. There are some feelings and ideas that have been bouncing around in my head. I have hesitated to share these feelings because I am always whining. Also I know that saying something could potentially make things worse. And still I feel the need to write this even though I do not know where to begin.
Maybe I feel this way because this is a big birthday year.
Maybe I feel the way because I am just feeling sorry for myself.
Maybe these feelings are just.
Who knows.
Where do I begin?
I always thought by this time in my life I would have a husband and a family. I always thought I would have a good group of friends. I thought I would have some security. I would have a family to rely on.
Instead I feel like I am all alone on an island trying to flag down a passing ship. And I cannot understand why I keep trying to get rescued when I understand that I am meant to live my life on the island alone.
Not even a Wilson to keep me company.
One thing I keep trying to do is understand why I am going through all this. What did I do to upset God? Did I behead babies in a previous life and now Khama is getting me back? I know I am wasting my time trying to figure it out, but I cannot help it. I want to fix it and I just do not know how. Usually I can solve the problem. Heck if it was happening to you I would probably have this situation solved in a couple of days! So why can’t I figure out my own life?
People keep me around for comic relief. I know that. I also believe that they keep me around to remind themselves to be thankful my life is not theirs. Time to accept that.
I am also an afterthought for people. How many times have I heard “I should have called you” or “I forgot you wanted to go” or “I wish you would have came” and so forth?
My favorite is how many times I asked people to do things and I get an excuse of why they cannot get together. That is part of the reason I am not on social media. I don’t wait to see what someone did when I was home alone.
I one hundred percent believe that if something is important to you you will always find a way to make it work. Treat those as though you wish to be treated. I help everyone I can. I smile and say hi to people. I try to make the people I am with my priority at that moment. If I get invited to do something or asked for something I try to go above and beyond. I make a person’s special day all about them.
I am just not important to anyone.
So I am trying something new. I am taking what I have learned from happy people. I am not calling people and inviting them to do things. One person told me they never call people and she is always out and about, happy as can be. Next I am learning how not to need people. I do not ask for help. I pay people to help me or listen to me. If you do not depend on anyone then no one can disappoint you. I am going to try to live my life to the fullest and understand that I will be doing this by myself.
I do not feel this is by choice, but for survival.
I am so scared, but I having been doing this for my entire life. I guess admitting it is scarier than I thought. I hope to start planning trips by myself. I already go to movies and out to eat on my own. Now it is time to take the next step. I am scared but I am confident I can do this.
Can I?
Seize the day!
Fake it till you make it!
Smile to make others believe you are successful!
One day it will become easier!
