I really hoped that today would be great.
I knew it would not be perfect.
In the back of my mind I had a fear of what my Christmas would be like.
Expectations do come true.
My Christmas was miserable and I am so happy it will be over in four hours.
I think I cried more today than I have in a long time.
I took myself to the movies and saw Wild.
It was hard to see families spending the holiday together. I felt like a big spotlight was shining on me, the sad, middle-aged woman all alone on Christmas.
I know most people probably did not see me, but I hate feeling that way.
My Christmas dinner was a Hot Pocket and a doughnut.
I know that not everyone’s Christmas was great. I know it could be worse. But why do all of my holidays suck? I try to be positive. I try to keep my expectations at bay.
I am beginning to think I am a horrible person.
I am fighting that my life is one that will always be lived alone.
People are going to tell me that Christmas is not the most important thing in the world. People are going to tell me that I am not alone.
But at the end of the day, I am all alone.
I have been all of my life and it makes sense to believe that I will live the rest of my life alone.
Once I accept that life might get easier.
F%#$ my life.
