I used to love that I could almost anything by myself. I felt empowered. I felt so strong.
Now I just feel sad. I feel like a cliché. A middle-aged woman all by myself with a cat.
I really want to be important to someone. I want someone to need me. To love me. To hold and hug me. To tell me that their day is a little brighter because of me.
I never really have had that. Not with my parents. Not with a friend. Not with a boyfriend. The closest I have got with is with my students and my pets.
Thank goodness for that.
In my middle age I am getting more pessimistic. I never see my life changing in a positive way like I hope. I will always be a party of one. I will always be the third wheel. I will always have to do things by myself.
For some people this is their life. Some people have lots of friends and a family they can depend on.
Not me.
I have a lot of people who depend on me and expect me to be a certain way.
I want some one I can depend on. I want some one to put as my emergency contact.
I really want a hug.
