Let me start off this post by saying I am know I am very fortunate. I know my life could be a lot worse. I could have more serious problems. I could be without a roof over my head, sick with a million different illnesses, or be digging through a dumpster for food to just name a few.
One thing I have learned that this is my life and I am the one who has to live it. I try to change things. I have changed who I am in hopes of making my life better. In turn I have become a person who I have a hard time holding my head high and saying I am proud of who I am.
Let me back track.
When I was a kid, Christmas was amazing. My little family unit was strong and happy. We all put in 110% for the holidays and no matter what happened we were happy. We just wanted to be together. We made a day of hunting for the perfect tree and decorating it. We spend hours hunting for the perfect gifts and seconds ripping off the wrapping paper. Christmas dinner was a feast for kings with so many courses we went to bed swearing we would never eat again!
I lived for Christmas. I was could not wait for the day to arrive. To be honest, the presents were not that important. Do not get me wrong. I could not wait to call my friends and compare what we got. But the day was truly about being with family. My dad, my mom, the family pets, and me. I felt it was a Norman Rockwell painting that I was living.
Now I hate everything about the holiday. What I hate most is the lies I have to tell and the fake attitude I have to make everyone think that I am in the Christmas spirit. I try to convince myself by wishing a Merry Christmas to people, put my heart into choosing the perfect gifts, and decorating my house.
I have become a Mr. Scrooge and I am not positive that anything will change soon. Two things have led me to this.
First, I never thought that at my age I would be single. I thought I would have a husband and kids. I wanted to do for my family what my parents had done for me. I wanted to teach my kids what my parents had taught me. I wanted the day of choosing a tree and decorating it with my kids. I wanted to see the excitement in my kids eyes as they unwrapped their presents. I wanted to make a huge dinner for my family. That will never happen and I am having a very hard time accepting that. I absolutely hate when people tell me it still could happen. No, it never will. I am done hoping that it might. The dream is gone. The more is dead.
The second reason is that my wonderful family is forever gone. My dad does not enjoy the holidays and puts no effort into the celebration. He sees the gifts as a waste of money. He sees dinner is an overdone feast that no one really enjoys. To be honest I am surprised that he shows up at. My mom stresses herself out so much trying to make the perfect day. She cannot wrap presents. She cannot enjoy the dinner. She is not physically able to do the day. I spend a good chunk of the holiday trying to convince my crying mother that she did not ruin the day.
So where does that leave me. Mostly I sit on the couch and watch TV. I try not to watch anything Christmas related. I fight back tears as much as I can. I try to combat the loneliness. When I start to get really upset, I take a nap so that I do not cry again. I usually end up with a headache from all the crying. Every few hours my mom calls and tells me to come over or to apologize for ruining the day. I go to my parents house, sit on the couch and watch the Hallmark channel, and then leave an hour or two later. If I am feeling brave I’ll take myself to the movies.
I am trying to accept that this is how my holidays are going to go from now on. This is my Christmas. I’ll continue to fake it as best as I can. I will do my best to try not to get my high hopes up that next year will be better. I will try to accept that this is how my life will be.
I am very thankful for the great things in my life and there are many. I just wish that they bad did not outweigh and overshadow the good.
And I wish I was a drinker. At least I could drink myself into a blackout and forget the holiday altogether.
