Confession

I hope I can be honest in this post.

I should be since no one really reads it.

I hate my life.

There, I said it out loud. I wrote it down. I admitted it.

Now before I continue with my confession I have to make some points clear. My life could be worse. I know people go through worse things everyday. Many people would trade their hardships in a second for one day of my life.I know that. But my problems seem gigantic to me. My problems seem to have no solution. It may sound like I am whinying and I agree with that. I feel I do what I can to fix things and after trying for years, I believe that this is what my life is meant to be. 

I believe that I am good at my job. I believe I make a difference in my students lives. I feel I am a good friend, needy at times, but still a good friend. I believe I am a good daughter and a good human companion for Begonia. I am a good person, citizen, and productive member in society.

So why do I hate my life?

I live a very lonely life. I do most things by myself. I have no one that wants me. 

There is so much I want to do and I am accepting that I will probably never be able to cross them off my list. 

Why?

Because I do not want to do it by myself. 

I share little of my life anyone.

Family? Nope.

Friends? Bits and pieces.

Paid professionals. Some, but not all.

I had a big health scare this summer and it made my life a lot clearer. It scared the shit out of me. I had to change so much.  I wanted people to be take the time to fawn over me a bit. It didn’t happen. Is that my fault?

Probably.

I am at that age where it is obvious I will never have a family of my own. I’ll probably never have a husband. When my parents die I will be even more alone than I am now.

Is that possible?

I am scared.

Terrified.

I don’t want to be alone.

I hate being alone.

But tomorrow I will put on a smile and be goofy. This is what people expect from me and I do not it want to let them down. I want to make people. 

Maybe this will help me in my next life.

I ask God often what I did to piss him off.

 I just want to be happy.

I want someone to come home to.

Someone to share my life with.

Instead I am on an island, alone, waving the white flag, and no rescue in sight.