I have neglected my little blog. I have been trying to figure out my life. I am almost 40, I have no family, no man in my life, no kids, no prospects… and I for some damn reason I have hope that my dream will come true one day.
Why?
I spend so much time by myself that it seems normal. I spend so much time by myself that I fear I am losing my ability to interact with people.
Maybe that is my problem! I need people and that is not how my life is supposed to go. Maybe I am meant to be alone. I am not meant to have a family, a husband, children, happiness.
My dream is all that it is. A dream.
I need to accept that I will always be alone. I have lost my family and I am looking too hard for them. My parents have chosen a path that I am trying to pull them back from. I know it is a losing battle, but I am having a hell of a time accepting their choice. I will do anything to get my parents back, but maybe they don’t want me.
I have never been in love. No one wanted me. I tried to find someone. I did the best I could. I think the only one that wanted me was my dog Val. It kills me that I will never have kids. I would willing make a deal with the devil to be able to have a child of my own. To be honest I think I would sell my soul right now to get a different life.
I am very lonely. I live on my couch, gorging myself on junk, while watching pretend people enjoying their scripted lives. Somedays I have the power to drag myself off the couch and join the outside world. But again I am by myself. It is a vicious cycle. I hope to find someone, but why would someone want pathetic me?
I try to find happiness in even the littlest thing. It is getting harder and harder.
I read these articles that give tips on how to live longer and I ask myself why would anyone want to live longer? Hasn’t life be long enough already?
But oh mysterious reader that actually reads my blog! I will be back in a day or two with a happy, hopeful post. I will lie and try to convince you that I am happy, hopeful, and ready to face another day.
After all, that is my life.
