I have not written in a long time.
I haven’t wanted to write.
I have not wanted to do much.
I have not seen the point.
I feel like I have tried and tried to improve my life and each time I fail. Every time I fail it get harder to recover. I am too the point where I do not really see the point of trying to recover.
It is hard to see the reasons why I need to get better. I have a cat that I live for, I have too many books that I need to read, I still have my carpets to clean, and I just bought new crap for my classroom.
So what!
I honestly believe that if I ran away from everything I would not be missed. Argue all you want, but I have a hard time believing that it is not true. I can go days without in human contact. I take myself to lunch, the movies, or the stores just so I can get some human interaction. A smile means the world to me. A little polite conversation is amazing. A hug sends me over the edge.
But most days I just sit at home, watching TV, eating crap, and making a permanent ass print on my couch. Somedays I do not shower. No point if I am just going to sit on my couch. Begonia could care less if I have brushed my teeth.
I do not know what I enjoy anymore. I used to think photography, but I have not picked up my camera all summer. I am at a loss of what else is important to me.
I will admit that I have done something stupid things this summer that have scared me. The act itself did scare me. What scared me is how far I went. Maybe common sense kicked in. Maybe it just was not my time.
And through all this, I still want to try. I started St. John’s Wart today. It takes 2-4 weeks to work. I am not putting too much hope that it is going to help, but I figure anything at this point I need to try.
So I leave it in God’s hands. I know he has a path for me and I should trust I him. I just want a sign that all will be okay. A sign that I see and get.
