At least I think my dad had a good Father’s Day. I took him to see The Lego Movie.
The movie was surprisingly cute! Batman stole the movie.
Then I took him out to dinner at 5 Guys. It was simple and just what he wanted.
Last night I had an revelation …. Actually I had two.
I realized that I am in a state of morning the loss of my beloved Val and my mother. Val actually passed away. I have lost her forever and I do not know if my heart will ever heal. I cry all the time about losing my puppy and miss her immensely.
I am also mourning the loss of my mom. Yes my mom has not passed, but the person she used to be is gone. The relationship I had with her is gone. I mourn what I had with my mom. She used to be ready to do anything, try something new, or just run all over town. That is not the case anymore. She is weak and has no stamina. She is tired and/or in pain all the time. I feel my 89-year old grandmother has more zest for life than my mother. I do not know what to do. I have tried to talk to her and nothing changes.
I am left with the ever growing hole of loneliness and hopelessness.
I am going back to this desire to not need people. It would honestly be easier. I would never have any expectations of people. I would never be let down. I would never be disappointed. I keep telling myself that it will get better. I keep going back to a quote from Abraham Lincoln:
People are just as happy as they make up their mind to be.
I bet that is true. If I make up my mind to be happy by myself, then maybe it will come true. Maybe my happiness lies in me being alone and that is why I have not been able to find it. I’ve been looking to hard and expecting.
I need to learn to make my life easier. Acceptance is the first step.
So when I am out, I will play the game that everything is great. People will be happy and I will do the best I can to pretend. If people are at ease, then we can all pretend that everything is ok.
